K.I.S.S.

Today I'm just enjoying the beautiful simplicity of life. In the beginning of Proverbs it says to remember the things we learn from our parents as little children. Love people. Share. Eat healthy foods. Get enough sleep.... (I realize not all parents teach these things, and that's part of my point.) Why do we always want to complicate things as we get older? We tell ourselves we need things just because some TV commercial or sitcom tells us we do. We're too "smart" for age old wisdom. And the Bible is way too outdated to be applicable today, what with all our technology and "enlightenment", right? Nonsense!

If we would just look at the answers right in front of our faces more often, we'd all be a whole lot happier. As my basketball coach used to teach us: Keep It Simple Stupid. If you just focus on the basics you'll win a lot more games. It worked then. It works now. It always will.

Weaned!

Have I mentioned how much I love my kids lately? LOL. This week is going so great. Scarlett officially weaned herself this week, at just 13 months old. Isaac did the same at 12 months. I always envisioned myself breastfeeding for a good 2 years per kid, but for both the kids and me it just lost its appeal after a year. Now Scarlett will still ask me for milk, but as soon as I try to put her to the breast she just looks at it, makes a face and shakes her head no. Too funny. She's happy to guzzle down bottles of rice milk instead.

To top it off, Isaac is on the verge of being potty trained. He's not wearing diapers during the day except when he naps, and he pees and poops in the potty consistently throughout the day.
Woo hoo!

Caffeine Free

On Wednesday night, God told me in no uncertain terms that I have to give up coffee for a while. He's tried telling me more subtly several times before, but I ignored or pretended I wasn't hearing it, so now He's gotten louder. There must be a good reason. I know He loves me... but it's still annoying to me at this point. As I'm writing I'm sitting here with a cup of Postum (blech!) and it feels like there's a little man inside the back of my head with a jackhammer. That's the caffeine withdrawal. I can't even have decaf, because that always just leads me back into the caffeinated stuff. :-(

Mind ya bizness!

Why are people so quick to believe bad things about a person, and so skeptical of those who are trying to do good? Why is it so easy to jump to conclusions and throw away years of relationship because of one nasty rumor? It's so sad... our flesh is truly at war with our spirit, and unfortunately most people are like Terminators in the flesh and like premature, crack-addicted babies in the spirit. Sorry for the crass analogy, but I'm just annoyed right now. I hate it when people accuse others without having the whole truth. 'Innocent until proven guilty' doesn't really exist in this country. Scripture says "judge not lest ye be judged," and "in all your getting, get understanding"... not hearsay, not popular opinion, not even your own opinion... but understanding, of the truth, which can only be found in the Word.

I know this is somewhat cryptic, but I can't really go into detail because it's not my story to tell. All I can say to anyone who may read this is, always give people the benefit of the doubt! Give a lot of grace, because it's right, and because you'll get it back when you make a mistake or when circumstances don't paint you in the best of lights.

Sweet Security

Financial security has been something I've been seeking for a long time, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I grew up in a family that was always broke and always stressed out about it, so it's been very difficult for me to release myself from those feelings... my mentality for most of my life has been "grab as much as you can, before it disappears, and hold on tight!" Pretty much the opposite of what the Scriptures teach.

I've had "Aha!" moments before when it comes to finances, but eventually I'd find myself slipping back into that mentality... work, work, work, get as much as you can and spend it very wisely. But a few days ago I was thinking about how amazing it is to be able to feel safe and secure, pretty much all the time, in the world we live in today. I have friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and neighbors that live in constant anxiety that things are going to fall apart. Another terrorist attack might happen... they might lose their job... a family member might be diagnosed with an incurable disease... these thoughts cripple them and affect their decisions when they dwell on them. Or, more often, they try to numb themselves so they have those thoughts as infrequently as possible... they accumulate more "stuff", get hooked on new TV shows, go to happy hours, diagnose themselves with mental, emotional, or social disorders which require drugs, of course... anything to avoid facing their insecurity.

I'm so happy I don't live this way! I have so much peace, and lately I've just been so much more aware and more grateful of that. But then it hit me... the only area I don't allow myself to experience this peace is in my finances! For some reason, I haven't been able to receive the promises Yahweh has made to me in that one area of my life. It's so stupid. How could I allow myself to be deceived in this way? Well, I'm not having anymore of it. Today I publicly declare that my financial health and well-being is totally and completely in Yahweh's hands. I will never worry or fret about my financial situation again. I am financially secure, now and forever, no matter what any person or circumstance may try to tell me at any point in my life. It's an unchangeable truth that I have finally accepted for myself. Whew!

Now to channel all that energy I'll be saving by not worrying about ANYTHING!

We overcome...

by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I have some things to overcome today so I figured it would be a good time to record my personal testimony for my blog.

I was raised Catholic and I prayed and talked to God for most of my life, but I never really felt that I knew Him. The main thing I wanted from Him throughout my childhood was a peaceful home with happily married parents. He didn't deliver, in my mind, so I made plans to "run away" by going off to college and never coming home again. I would build my happy family on my own, from scratch. I rejected my "faith" and reasoned that if God was real, I wouldn't be able to live without Him for long... but if I didn't miss Him, then He couldn't be real.

So off I went on a 4-year-long alcoholic binge (but keeping it together enough to graduate magna cum laude so I could get a job and have that happy successful life one day). My self-esteem plummeted. My family back home rapidly disintegrated, and although it tore me apart inside, I was mostly able to drown the pain with the alcohol and distract myself with other pursuits.

All the while I really thought I was having fun, doing what crazy college kids do and making a new life for myself. There were more laughs than tears during those years, but I didn't have any true joy.

Then I graduated from college, did some dating and soon stumbled upon a stable, "nice guy" named Ed. I fell totally, recklessly in love with him, pouring every ounce of my being into him, willing him to be the man of my dreams. Amazingly, I managed not to scare him off for 3 and a half years! During this time I moved to NYC to prove myself to the world: I could make it there and I could make it anywhere, with my own blood, sweat, and tears, thank you very much.

But I was on very shaky ground. I realized Ed wasn't able to give me everything I needed, and to my own astonishment, I broke up with him. I also realized I was an alcoholic. I was failing miserably at building my perfect life. So I decided to go back to God and demand some answers once and for all. I had memories of some weird, kinda-creepy-but-maybe-there's-something-there experiences at my dad's "born-again" church. I figured I might as well take the plunge and figure out what it was about now, so I could cross it off the list and move on in my search for truth.

I printed out a list of NYC churches from the internet yellow pages. I didn't want any recommendations from anyone who might try to "push" their religion on me. I tried 4 or 5 places that were all wrong before walking through the doors at Faith Exchange Fellowship. Hmm... these people look kinda cool, I thought. Diverse group... and they sure look happy... genuinely happy. Then Pastor Dan spoke... and proceeded to answer all of the questions I came with that day. My heart was burning inside me. It happened over and over again, week after week, in spite of my secret hope he would do something wacko so I could run away and never come back. He was speaking the truth. I couldn't deny it. I had to stay.

A huge amount of growth took place in those first few years, and is still taking place. I'll write more about some of those experiences later. For now I'll just say, fast-forward 8 years and I'm still at the same church, still 100% convinced that I've found the truth, and far happier than I ever could have been on my own. I have the most wonderful husband and two of the most beautiful kids who ever lived. I'm truly content, yet not settling for the level I'm on now. I'll keep growing and learning forever, but I'll always be grateful for where I am and what I've already overcome.

7 Random Facts About Rachael

7 Random Facts... now these are the rules:

- Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
- Post these rules on your blog.
- List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself. I’ll try my best!
- Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

My 7 random facts:

1. I find small talk very uncomfortable but I'd bare my soul to just about anyone if asked.
2. I'd rather sing in front of a room full of total strangers than in front of one close friend.
3. I spent a year abroad in Spain during college and traveled by myself to London and Paris.
4. I was the Albany diocese spelling bee champ in 8th grade.
5. I was the valedictorian of my high school.
6. I hate television and am contemplating getting rid of mine for good.
7. I once dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA (this was in pre-WNBA years).

I tag: Yadi, Tarsha, Kim, Neubela, Satoya, Kelly, and Dawn.

2 Weeks of Bliss

Granted, we're only two weeks into 2008, but so far I am really liking this year. I feel a change in the air. I've already exercised (on purpose) more times this year than all of last year - lol and yikes! I am enjoying my marriage more than ever and gaining patience with my wonderful children. I'm also saving money consistently for the first time ever. Most significantly, I've been optimistic and excited almost every day this year. I like to consider myself a realist, but the truth is that I normally spend way to much time fretting over problems and potential problems rather than enjoying all the great things in my life.

This positive change is not arbitrary or coincidental, of course. The only reason my outlook is so positive is because I've been in the Word every day, and I've been obedient to read the specific chapters my pastor has told us to read every day, in addition to the other chapters I'm reading. Life is so simple it astounds me sometimes. All you have to do is follow Yahweh's instructions, and you'll be happy. Even when things don't go your way, you're still content and excited when you're in obedience. Why haven't I remembered this every time I felt angry, upset, or depressed in the past? I could have spared myself so much frustration and wasted time. More importantly, can I commit to remembering every day going forward to stick to this fundamental principle? I say yes now, but only time will tell.

In the meantime I proactively confess, again in obedience, that 2008 is my best year yet--spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and financially--by far! I have set goals for myself for the year in each of these 6 areas, as I've done every year since 2000, and every year has in fact been my best year yet. The only difference for 2008 is that I'm going to really focus on the "by far" part, rather than having it be an afterthought. I'm going to dream big and go for what I want this year. It's what I've been instructed to do, and I owe it to myself to be obedient.

Haikus from my morning

Five thirty a.m.
Claw my way to consciousness
Need Him more than sleep

Whispering the truth
I take down shouting giants
before they're deployed

Power button on
glorious sounds of worship
from the mouths of babes

Munchkin voices sing,
laugh, parrot, bubbling, joyful
where does it come from?

Time for another entry...

Why is it that when no one's asking me to write anything and I have no obligations to write, ideas are constantly popping into my head (usually when I'm as far away as I can get from a pen and paper), but when I know I'm supposed to write something I can't think of a single interesting thing to say? It's like my mind is toying with me. It blurts out creativity at the most inconvenient times and withholds that same creativity when I try to ask it nicely a few hours or days later. Not cool.

Today I feel like the "Time to make the donuts" guy on TV... anyone remember him? Just going through the motions on autopilot. Time to write my blahg entry... Ah well, I've been taught that the way out of writers' block is to keep writing no matter what, even if you're just babbling. Sorry to anyone who is actually still reading this. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I like to move it, move it

Man, have a I missed exercising. It's so bizarre... for virtually my entire life I've considered myself a dedicated athlete and have always loved practically any form of physical activity. But about halfway through my first pregnancy I just suddenly went on hiatus. I can count on one hand the number of times I've purposely exercised since then. I'm sure if I hadn't been blessed with such a great metabolism I'd have started back much sooner, but since I didn't look too hideous I just got used to being lazy.

One of my resolutions for 2008 is to be diesel again... lol. I bought 3 exercise DVDs and I've done 3 workouts so far. I can feel the tug of my inner athlete again. The endorphins are kicking in... I can't wait to get back in shape! I think I'll be much happier and healthier once I get back into the routine. And if we have more days like today (60 degrees!) it'll be easier and easier. I love outdoor exercise best of all. I took the kids to the playground after my workout and we all ran around in circles until we were gasping for breath. It was heavenly!

Learning from my toddlers

Toddlers get a bad rap for many reasons, and rightly so on some of them... the love of the word "no," the tantrums, the endless struggle of potty training. But they're also amazing, and often hilarious. I guess if they weren't most of them wouldn't live to see Kindergarten :-). They really do pick up everything, like little sponges. I have to be extra careful of what Isaac sees on TV these days, because he'll start acting it out immediately. Nothing gets by him. And I'm sure Scarlett is absorbing just as much.

One of the things that I find so annoying/tiring about toddlers is that they love and need so much repetition. Songs, books, dvds, games... whatever it may be that they find so entertaining at the moment, they want to do it over and over and over and over again. It's hard, as an adult, not to get bored and try to rush them on to the next thing. I forget that they're learning every time they do it and relishing what they're learning. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how often I rush through the lessons I'm supposed to be learning without really getting everything I should be getting. Sometimes you really need to drill things into yourself. And it should be fun. Learning is a worthwhile activity in itself; it shouldn't always be about the end result.

Anger Management

If anyone were ever a candidate for anger management therapy, it'd be me. Only people who know me really well understand that there is an enormous snorting bull hiding behind my small frame and placid expression. So, unfortunately, the ones I love the most usually end up on the receiving end of the flashes of rage and hatred that seem to strike out of nowhere, like lightning bolts, shocking my victims to the core... LOL... okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but just a little.

This unruly anger has only reared its head again (after a few years of dormancy) since I entered motherhood 2 and a half years ago. Hormones may have something to do with it, but I think it's more due to not being able to live up to my idea of the perfect mother, and--despite my best efforts to avoid this very thing--imitating the attitudes and behaviors of my parents while I was growing up. I lived in quite a volatile environment for many years. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for the way I act. Nor am I feeling pathetic or sorry for myself any more. I've made a great deal of progress in the last several months and I'm very optimistic that I will slay the snorting bull once and for all (sorry animal lovers, it's just a metaphor) in due time.

Peace, victory, wholeness, strength, and all of the other attributes we strive for most of our lives are actually a person... one person... and His name is Yahshua (Jesus). I'm finding that the more I put His words into my mind and heart--and the less King of Queens, Hell's Kitchen, and other shows I like that portray anger and sarcasm as cool and entertaining--the more self-control I have. It really works. And it's really important that I do the work to manage this anger so that I don't pass it down to another generation. My kids shouldn't have to deal with this monster. No one should.

So although it's tempting to laugh it off and embrace my inner hothead, justifying it with a shrug of the shoulders and saying things like, "Gotta watch out for the ol' Irish temper!" I know I'm better than that. I am peace that passes all understanding. I'm the eye of the hurricane, the calm in the midst of the storm, like my true parent, Yahweh. He's the one I strive to imitate, no matter how cool or uncool anyone else might think it is. If I stay in Him, He stays in me, and that is the only way to live.

Here we go!

I always enjoy ringing in a new year... there's something about the idea of making a fresh start, no matter how great (or awful) the previous year was, that just excites me. I feel like I've just been handed a giant new notebook and a set of rainbow colored pens and markers begging to be used, and I know exactly what to do with them. I don't always have this kind of clarity, focus and enthusiasm, so when I do I like to relish it and take full advantage.

One of the things I've realized in the past couple weeks is that my title for this blog -- "unapologetically me" -- is actually meant to be a personal mantra for me for this year. It's time for me to know and understand what it means to be truly and utterly free from guilt and shame... which is not to say that I'm going to go off on a crime spree or other rampage and run over everyone in my path without remorse. I'm speaking of breaking free from the pointless psychological torment that comes from comparing myself to others, comparing myself to images of myself that others have put in my head, making mistakes, being a woman, being a mother, etc., etc. In short, it's time for me to stop wasting time and to finally be the amazingly fabulous and creative and wonderful creature I already am! (Be myself and be happy with who I am.)

This blog may also be the primary tool for me to ensure that I accomplish this goal, because every entry will be an opportunity for me to assess my progress in the journey. I've set other goals for the year that are more specific and easier to measure... things like "get abs and butt of steel", "get out of debt", etc., but I believe that "unapologetically me" is the most critical and the one that will open the most doors for me going forward. I know it's not going to be easy or fun all the time, but nothing that is worth accomplishing ever is. I'm ready. It's time. Here we go!