Scarlett is a year old today!

My little girl is 1 (going on 10) today. It's hard to remember what life was like before we had her. She was the "surprise" baby after Isaac, who was planned, and she's a constant reminder to me that I'm not as smart as I think I am. Although I was thrilled about having another baby, I had no idea how I was going to handle having my kids so close together. I also never wanted a December baby, because everyone I knew who was born in December hated getting overshadowed by Christmas (weird, but that really concerned me).

But from the day she was born she has been such a wonderful & joyful influence on our whole family, especially me. It was almost as if she knew what I was going through and knew she had been sent to comfort me. I hate to even write that, because I'd never put that kind of responsibility on a child, but it's the best way I can describe our relationship thus far.

Besides being so sweet, Scarlett also seems oddly mature for her age. She already has a well developed sense of humor, and enjoys teasing and outsmarting her big brother. The other day I was watching them sitting on the couch together, and except for their size, I would've thought they were 11 and 12. Scarlett was watching Isaac out of the corner of her eye and whenever he looked away she'd pull one of his curls, then smirk when he yelled at her. Makes me realize how amazing we are as human beings -- if we're that developed at a year old, how much potential must we have, and how far are most of us from reaching that potential as adults?

Anyway, my kids have taught me a lot, and I'm glad things don't always go exactly as I plan them. :-)

Merry Christmas!

How good is God?

I've been trying to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 before the kids get up for a couple months now. I've only done it a handful of times, even though I know God has instructed me to do it and has promised me great rewards for doing it -- yet every morning when my alarm goes off all I can think about is how much I need my sleep, how warm & cozy my bed is, how I'll start tomorrow. So pathetic. I know and have experienced in the past that spending time alone with Yahweh is the most restorative, energizing activity there is, yet I still choose my own definition of rest. And most humbling of all is that He forgives me for it more readily than I forgive myself.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but like all wonderful things, it can be abused by those who don't understand it. It can be an excuse for laziness and stupidity. It can enable us to live beneath our rights and privileges... to stay negative, in debt, selfish... But Yahweh continues to extend it to us, continues to give us the opportunity to overcome our flesh and stand up and be the leaders and world-changers He designed us to be. How good is He???

And another thing, Yah is not mocked. He's not the one who's going to be disappointed in the end if we don't respond as we should. Somebody will hear His call. Somebody will rise up and lead. Somebody will be blessed beyond their wildest imagination. I want to be one of those somebodies... I need to get my butt out of bed tomorrow morning! One of these days it may be too late.

Perfection is overrated

I'm usually so excited this time of year, but right now I am feeling so burnt out. I just threw a surprise party for my mom's 60th birthday, which had me obsessing over every detail for the last month. I couldn't sleep most nights, and when I did I'd have nightmares, and eventually I got sick from the stress because I wanted everything to be just perfect. And then, because there simply aren't enough hours in the day (and I waited too long to ask for help), I had to compromise on some things and it didn't turn out as great as I'd imagined it... but guess what? Everyone had a fantastic time and kept saying how perfect it was anyway! So why did I get myself so worked up about it???

This is a recurring theme in my life. For some reason, I feel the need to do everything perfectly at all times, to always have it all 'together', to far exceed everyone's expectations, and whenever I don't I feel guilty. Why? Where did I get this insidious desire to torture myself 24/7/365? It's exhausting, and I've decided it's got to stop. I'm turning over a new leaf... or make that drawing a line in the snow, since there are no leaves around here and the beach is currently covered with snow.

It's time to stop apologizing for myself. (Hence, the title of my blog.) Yahweh made me a certain way, with certain gifts and talents, and certain weaknesses. Try as I may, I will never measure up to anyone's idea of 'perfect', including my own, no matter what, so I might as well just be me and learn to enjoy being me (what a concept). Come to think of it, I need to get reacquainted with the real me, and writing is one of the best ways to do that, so I guess this blog will help me out in that respect.

The more I think about it, perfection is actually not such a dirty word, it just gets misinterpreted most of the time. It's a bit of an oxymoron, because the moment you think you've arrived there you're sure to be slapped in the face with your ugliest faults. Perfection is more of a constant state of forgiveness (of yourself and others) and growth, mixed with honesty so that others can relate to your struggles and help you with them. Easier said than done, but still easier than what I've been putting myself through of late.

Pacifiers

Pacifiers are truly the greatest invention the world has ever known. That's all I have to say right now.